If you ever read this, I do hope you’re sitting outside on the marble stairs of your lovely house looking at the setting sun, scrolling through old pictures and letters, caught up in a sudden flurry of thoughts reminiscing about your life about forty years ago. Perhaps you’ll remember the queer girl who was for most part, by your side, making arguably the most petrifying jokes there could be, and laughing along at her stupidity and maybe a shred of pity (oh well, I’ll take what I can get).
You’re probably smiling your full, beautiful smile, your eyes crinkling as they do whenever you think about old friends, but now with a little sadness, because you dared to hope that they would last, after all the times you’d been disappointed, hoping to be proven wrong, but never were. You’ve made your peace with that now, but that doesn’t stop slivers of forgotten pain from winding around luscious lips meant for tender kisses and heart-warming smiles.
For that, I am sorry. I am sorry for letting you down, for further dimming that tiny spark of hope within you. I am sorry for walking away, for never coming back to your alluring eyes and not being there to brush tears of your sky-high cheekbones, whenever you needed me to.
But not as sorry as I would be had I stayed.
Honey, you’re something else. Yours is a heart so pure, so lovely, John Keats could have written goddamn sonnets. In the midst of all the hurt you’ve been through, you find the best in everyone, you see good in people that is buried deep under negativity, and you latch on to it. You’ve got a warm, lovely aura about you, and a single conversation with you is enough to brighten up my entire day.
Which is why I had to leave.
Your love is meant for the best of people, yet you shower every single person with it. And the world is a brighter place for it. But I am not worthy of this gift. I would never be able to reciprocate a mere fraction of what you gave me. I would never be the anchor you were for me, the ladder out of a pit of darkness because I was too weak for it, always looking for the first route of escape rather than a way to rescue. I would never give you my full heart and trust, though that is what you deserve. All I would do is eventually rip a hole in the masterpiece that is your heart, and keep ripping till it is in shreds. And I know you would forgive me, over and over again.
You are someone special, love. I wanted you to have nothing but the best, because as I have repeatedly said, you deserve nothing less. And for that, I had to go, before you got caught up in something dark and painful. I know you would have stayed by me through all of it, but it would be a gross injustice. And for that, I bid you farewell.
So next time when you chance upon thoughts of old acquaintances and friends, there will be one reason less to shed that breathtaking smile of yours.
So with all the love I can muster,
A girl long gone.